Pitch On workshop - Destiny

Name: Chrissi Barr

Country of residence: Australia

Title: DESTINY

Genre: Speculative Fiction

Word-count: 94,000

Pitch: Sixteen-year-old Clara Kavanagh learns that the dead still love after destiny is changed, and her family is killed by a wraith within days of returning to their Irish ancestral home. Fueled with courage from her lost family Clara crosses into the afterlife, and sets out, with ghosts of Ireland’s past, to restore mankind’s destiny only to find out that restoring destiny may result in her own death.

First, while this could be a good premise, it was extremely difficult for me to follow. The sentences seemed long and disjointed, with awkward phrasings at several places. It needs to be tightened. When you only have a limited number of words, get rid of anything that isn't absolutely needed so you have room for what is needed. It also seems somewhat generic at places. Your story sounds like it could be something great...show the reader that. Make us feel like we can't go another day without reading it. Lure us in.

Sixteen-year-old Clara Kavanagh learns that the dead still love after destiny is changed, and her family is killed by a wraith within days of returning to their Irish ancestral home. 

-"Kavanagh" is not a necessary word. We don't really have to know her last name at this point. 

- This sentence is just long and awkward. I'm not sure how the two parts tie together, and even after reading it several times, instead of being drawn in...I just ended up feeling frustrated. 

Fueled with courage from her lost family Clara crosses into the afterlife, and sets out, with ghosts of Ireland’s past, to restore mankind’s destiny only to find out that restoring destiny may result in her own death. 

This is just way too long. 

- "Fueled with courage from her lost family Clara crosses..."  - You need a comma after "family"

-I'm not sure how this even ties in with the first sentence. How does she cross into the afterlife? 

-I'm also not sure what the stakes are here specifically. Where you say "restore mankind's destiny", how was it altered? That is a rather generic term. The destiny of ALL mankind? Her family? Someone else? What does she have to do in order to restore it? Who is going to kill her if she doesn't? 
I realize you can't answer all of these questions in so few words...but less general words and more specific words will go a long way in making your reader feel invested.
-Who is this wraith? What does this wraith have to do with Clara's family?

Be specific in what you want to address in your pitch. You did tell us specifically who the main character was. What are the specific stakes? What is the conflict? What are her choices, and what will happen either way? Let the reader see what Clara is faced with. 

Maybe change it to something like:

Sixteen-year-old Clara returns to her ancestral Irish home to learn that her family has been killed. Determined to avenge their death, Clara crosses into the afterlife seeking the means to restore the destiny that had been altered by a vengeful wraith. However, even the ghosts of her ancestors may not be enough to keep her safe as the journey may lead to her own death. 

(Now obviously...I can't be more specific; as I don't know the actual plot. I just tried to re-word the information I was given to make it flow a little better. I would still suggest giving more specifics to draw the reader in.)

You have what sounds like a really interesting story. Good luck!!

 

 *Don't forget...make sure to check out all of the workshop host blogs to critique more pitches. For each critique you leave in the comments, you get an entry into the drawing to win one of eight 10-page critiques from our contest host Sharon Johnston and workshop hosts Larissa Hardesty, Stephanie Diaz, Catherine Scully, Jodie Andrefski (that's me!), Paula Sangare, Talynn Lynn and Kaitlin Adams. Also, Sarah Nicolas will be giving away three query critiques! Please use the exact same name for all of your critiques. The opportunity ends 10/14/2012.

Follow along on Twitter using hashtag #PitchOn