Name: Talynn Lynn
Country of Residence: United States
Title: Memories of Me
Genre: YA Fantasy mash-up of a fairy tale and a myth
Word-count: 70,000
Pitch: For her sixteenth birthday, River learned to erase memories of those with tormented pasts. She writes them in an animated Memory Book, but the memories come alive through her. When terrifying memories cloud her mind, River must find a way to terminate the Book before it wipes out her real identity. She learns some memories are made to live over and over again but some memories are best forgotten.
I think this sounds like a really interesting premise! It can still use some tightening up to make it more concise and sharp.
For her sixteenth birthday, River learned to erase memories of those with tormented pasts.
The lead in sentence is good. It grabbed my attention right away. It did raise the question immediately for me of "How did she learn to do this?" and "How does she do this?".
She writes them in an animated Memory Book, but the memories come alive through her. When terrifying memories cloud her mind, River must find a way to terminate the Book before it wipes out her real identity.
I started getting a bit confused with your second sentence. It seems confusing how they come alive through her if she is writing them in a memory book,then how do they come alive through her? Literally? Does she enact them? Also, would destroying the book get rid of her power? Does she have a choice about this power? Maybe that needs to be addressed.
She learns some memories are made to live over and over again but some memories are best forgotten.
The last sentence is not needed, it seems very cliche. Use the space for something concise and specific. Make each word count.
Also, the stakes aren't really made clear. You do state that River needs to terminate the book before it wipes out her identity. How so? And if she does destroy the book, what then? There are a lot of unanswered questions.
I do think that this is a very interesting premise; but it is left rather wide-open with too many generalities and not enough specifics to questions that need to be answered. I know this does get tough when you are limited to so few words. However, I think you have something really unique here. Good luck!
*Don't forget...make sure to check out all of the workshop host blogs to critique more pitches. For each critique you leave in the comments, you get an entry into the drawing to win one of eight 10-page critiques from our contest host Sharon Johnston and workshop hosts Larissa Hardesty, Stephanie Diaz, Catherine Scully, Jodie Andrefski (that's me!), Paula Sangare, Talynn Lynn and Kaitlin Adams. Also, Sarah Nicolas will be giving away three query critiques! Please use the exact same name for all of your critiques. The opportunity ends 10/14/2012.
Country of Residence: United States
Title: Memories of Me
Genre: YA Fantasy mash-up of a fairy tale and a myth
Word-count: 70,000
Pitch: For her sixteenth birthday, River learned to erase memories of those with tormented pasts. She writes them in an animated Memory Book, but the memories come alive through her. When terrifying memories cloud her mind, River must find a way to terminate the Book before it wipes out her real identity. She learns some memories are made to live over and over again but some memories are best forgotten.
I think this sounds like a really interesting premise! It can still use some tightening up to make it more concise and sharp.
For her sixteenth birthday, River learned to erase memories of those with tormented pasts.
The lead in sentence is good. It grabbed my attention right away. It did raise the question immediately for me of "How did she learn to do this?" and "How does she do this?".
She writes them in an animated Memory Book, but the memories come alive through her. When terrifying memories cloud her mind, River must find a way to terminate the Book before it wipes out her real identity.
I started getting a bit confused with your second sentence. It seems confusing how they come alive through her if she is writing them in a memory book,then how do they come alive through her? Literally? Does she enact them? Also, would destroying the book get rid of her power? Does she have a choice about this power? Maybe that needs to be addressed.
She learns some memories are made to live over and over again but some memories are best forgotten.
The last sentence is not needed, it seems very cliche. Use the space for something concise and specific. Make each word count.
Also, the stakes aren't really made clear. You do state that River needs to terminate the book before it wipes out her identity. How so? And if she does destroy the book, what then? There are a lot of unanswered questions.
I do think that this is a very interesting premise; but it is left rather wide-open with too many generalities and not enough specifics to questions that need to be answered. I know this does get tough when you are limited to so few words. However, I think you have something really unique here. Good luck!
*Don't forget...make sure to check out all of the workshop host blogs to critique more pitches. For each critique you leave in the comments, you get an entry into the drawing to win one of eight 10-page critiques from our contest host Sharon Johnston and workshop hosts Larissa Hardesty, Stephanie Diaz, Catherine Scully, Jodie Andrefski (that's me!), Paula Sangare, Talynn Lynn and Kaitlin Adams. Also, Sarah Nicolas will be giving away three query critiques! Please use the exact same name for all of your critiques. The opportunity ends 10/14/2012.
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Talynn
ReplyDeleteYou're story sounds really interesting. My thoughts, first reaction. Opening sentence, firstly, it's a great hook. Does she learn or does she discover a gift that becomes her curse? 2nd sentence. Is it an animated memory book that she writes in or is it simply a journal. "but the memories become alive through her" does this mean that the memories are now becoming her memories... That could be awful. As Jodie mentions you need to comment on what struggle she then has, does she try destroying the book? What are the stakes, losing her own mind?
Good luck with your pitch, it's a terrific idea for a story.
Thank you both for the comments! They have helped me see what I need to do to fix my pitch!
ReplyDeleteOk, so, as in Sleeping Beauty, River is given a "gift" only it's from her Grandfather. It's a good gift, but they must be written down in the memory book to stay forgotten. The Book must stay with River or they can "come alive" The memories become the memories of River, which means River remembers all the memories she erased from others. She begins to lose her identity because of the memories that are not hers. That's the stakes. She can't remember who she is.
She's on a mission to save someone else, but when she looses her own memory, how can she save someone she can't remember?
Yep, I can see my pitch needs help! HELP!! hehe:)
Hey Talynn,
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like something I would read, I really like your setup.
Along the same lines as others have suggested, I feel like we have a great introduction to the start of the story, and the catalyst. But it would be nice to know what is at stake. It looks like you have already thought about this based on your reply above :)
I hope reworking the pitch goes well. Good luck to you :)
Revision #1
ReplyDeleteFor her sixteenth birthday, River Morgan received the gift of erasing memories, along with an antimated Memory Book. She must write the memories in her Book to keep them from becoming her own. When her Book is stolen, River doesn't know who she is anymore, but destroying the Book is not an option. Unless she wants to destroy everyone ever written in the Book.
☺ Ask and ye shall receive (or should I say be careful what you wish for? Nah, this is really strong already)
ReplyDeleteFor her sixteenth birthday, River Morgan received the gift of erasing memories, along with an animated Memory Book.
I wondered if this is a family responsibility/trait? Why would you erase memories/what kind of memories does she erase? I'd cut the book and put it in the second sentence. This sentence is the set up and the setting of the story along with the catalyst which start the change your protagonist goes through. Keep it to just that if you can. Example:
For her sixteenth birthday, River Morgan …
Actually I have one more question, what is the order in which she receives these things? Is it that she gets the ability then the book?
On her sixteenth birthday River Morgan inherits the family responsibility of easing memories that are too difficult to bear. She is also provided a book in whose animated pages she can place the memories, before they become her own.
Or is it she gets the book and learns its purpose?
On her sixteenth birthday River Morgan is given a book whose animated pages hold memories too bitter to bear. When she discovers she can remove just such memories from people, she realizes the book is necessary to store the memories before they become her own.
I think about putting something about how she reacts to this or what happens that someone knows about the book and steals it or some new action which results from her having the book. You might also want to tie the everyone linked to the book in this part. Example (again, don't know your story, just winging it to show you what I mean):
Only when a memory disappears after someone dies does River realize the book is linked to each person in it. OR After removing too many memories from a rape victim she realizes the book is still linked to the people whose experiences are in it.
When her Book is stolen, River doesn't know who she is anymore, but destroying the Book is not an option. Unless she wants to destroy everyone ever written in the Book.
I'm confused by this part. If it's stolen how does she even have the option to destroy to book? She doesn't have it right? There seems to be a stop missing here.
Here if you've already built the link to the people before it's stolen the stake becomes having the book and the power of that link, right? Or is her struggle with memories the more important stake here?
When her book is stolen the memories she's compelled to remove threaten to overwhelm River leaving her torn between helping people and loosing her sense of self.
When the book is stolen, River not only struggles with her sense of self as her gift still calls memories, she deals with the knowledge that if the book is destroyed, the people connected to it may well be too.
I guess I have one more, very basic question which I think you really need to work in here: WHY does she do this? What good comes out of it? … and then what bad will occur when she has to stop (aside from her mental fragility). Because I'm not getting the impression her mental state is the most important factor when the book goes missing. IF it is, you need to incorporate that more.
If you do this one way to structure your pitch is:
Opening event/the change which comes into her life
The GOOD change that happens along with drawbacks
The removal of the change and the BAD which will now happen because of it.
Here's an example, maybe a start off point for you to work with??: Grammar needs work but to show you what I mean:
River Morgan receives two gifts for her sixteenth birthday, the ability to remove horrendous memories and a book to store them in. River secretly uses her ability to help soldiers with PTSD and discovers the book is linked to each person whose memory is in it. When the book is stolen River knows she must get it back because its destruction could kill everyone linked to it.
Hope this helps. Just one opinion. Take what works and 'pitch' the rest. :-)
This gives me a lot to work with! All these suggestions have been helpful:) I really appreciate the advice!
DeleteRevise #2,350,999!!!
River Morgan receives two gifts on her sixteenth birthday: the power to erase tormenting memories and an animated book to store them for safe keeping. River secretly uses her talent to help a stranger and discovers he had sinister reasons for requesting her services. When the book is stolen River must get it back because its powers could destroy not only her, but all those written within the book's pages.
woah! You just got me ten times more interested with this pitch!!! It's amazing how just changing a few lines can truly draw in a reader. The first one, I thought, "huh...that could be interesting." This one, I was like "wow, I want to read that!" Why? You gave me more. I like the whole stranger part that she was helping and him having sinister purposes being introduced.
ReplyDeleteSuggestions: (I know...argggh..lol). The first line now makes it sound totally different than before. If I hadn't read your other pitches, I would have taken from this sentence that it was to erase just her own tormenting memories. (Don't know why, and that may just be me.)So, then when you keep going, it seems contradictory.
Since I don't know the story, is who gave her the book important? Does she come from some long-line of magic or something? Is that relevant? (If not..ignore me lol)
I think Ellie gave you some super suggestions.
Another thought...are these expected gifts? Did she know they were coming? If not, maybe throw that in there.
An example, (again..don't know the book...so ignore what is off-base.)
River Morgan receives two unexpected gifts on her sixteenth birthday--the power to erase tormenting memories from those around her, and an animated book to store them for safe keeping. Secretly using her power to help a stranger takes a dark turn after she discovers he sought her out for sinister purposes. When the book is stolen, River must get it back before its powers destroy not only her, but all those linked to the book's pages.
Again, just my opinion! This sounds really interesting!!! Good luck! =)
Okay, there is a MAJOR reason River was given this gift, but it's not something handed down through the family.
Delete*think Sleeping Beauty* which is the "backdrop" of my story.
The person who gave her the gift was her Grandfather, and he plays a huge role in the story, but he is not a MC.
The memory book was given to River to help River ( for a secret mission which I can not reveal *hehe*), but the "bad guys" want the book to gain the power only River has. No one else can erase memories. and they want that power to use for evil.
So, I love your suggestions and will be working on something new to post soon.
So far, this has been an amazing work shop:)
Talynn
River Morgan receives two unexpected gifts on her sixteenth birthday--the power to erase tormenting memories from those around her and an animated book to store them for safe keeping.
ReplyDeleteRiver secretly uses her talent to help a stranger, but her kindness takes a dark turn when she discovers he sought her out for sinister reasons.
When the book is stolen, River must get it back before its powers destroy not only her, but all those written within the book's pages.
Hello!
ReplyDeleteI must say that I really, really like this last revision! Especially the first and third paragraphs. I'm not sure about the middle sentence/paragraph. It feels a bit vague to me. Personally, I think your pitch is good w/o it. Maybe just add how they will be "destroyed" instead.
Nice work!!