122 Rules
Adult
Thriller
80,000
words
Voided warranty or no, Monica Sable wishes she
had given her iPhone a bath in the Hudson. Replacing it would have cost less. A
lot less. Instead, she gave the technological marvel with the recorded clandestine
conversation between infamous mob boss, Laven Michaels, and his heinous
henchmen, Tyron Erebus, to the authorities.
But no good deed goes unpunished.
By doing the “right thing,” Monica finds herself
a bauble in the FBI Witness Protection program and keystone of their flummoxed
case to crush the mobster and dismantle his empire. The soulless
automatons-turned-agents babysit the star witness who’s molding away as Laven’s
trial overshadows her future. Perhaps death by Erebus’s knife would be an improvement
after all?
Sam Bradford, former Marine and expert at
finding the unfindable, is visible to all but seen by none. Living on the
fringe of society, Sam continues serving his country as an officer of The
Agency and maestro of their 122 Rules of Psychology. Unparalleled in these
edicts, he strums the chords of emotion, convincing others to do anything he
desires and reveal their most intimate secrets.
A master in the dual roles of hunter and suitor,
Sam is assigned to track Monica down and seduce her into trusting him. And
trust him she does...at least until he mysteriously disappears, further
blurring the line between friend and foe.
Eluding an assassination attempt by an unknown
assailant--Tyron? Laven? Sam? Someone else?--Monica decides her safety is her
own responsibility and escapes the FBI’s clutches, taking to the road with her
snarky best friend of less-than-average intelligence. The two fumble their way
across the country, hoping to reach safety, while those that wish to destroy
her froth like a bloodhounds at their heels.
Monica’s only goal: bring down those that mean
to do her harm…if she lives that long.
Thank you for hosting Query Swap, Jodie!
ReplyDeleteYou are very welcome!! =)
ReplyDeleteThis is hard to do without editing tools in here, lol.So I will put my comments in parenthesis.
ReplyDeleteMy first thought, having so many paragraphs makes this seem too long--regardless of word count. Best bet to go by is three paragraphs.
Voided warranty or no, Monica Sable wishes she had given her iPhone a bath in the Hudson. Replacing it would have cost less. A lot less. Instead, she gave the technological marvel with the recorded clandestine conversation between infamous mob boss, Laven Michaels, and his heinous henchmen, Tyron Erebus, to the authorities.
(This last line was a bit hard to follow, consider tightening it up.)
But no good deed goes unpunished.
(Consider using a revised version of this sentence as your lead in. ie "Veronica Sable learns the hard way that it's really true that no good deed goes unpunished." This immediately makes the reader want to know more. Why? What did she do? What happened as a result?)
By doing the “right thing,” Monica finds herself a bauble in the FBI Witness Protection program and (the) keystone of their flummoxed case to crush the mobster and dismantle his empire. The soulless automatons-turned-agents babysit the star witness who’s molding away as Laven’s trial overshadows her future. Perhaps death by Erebus’s knife would be an improvement after all?
(I'm lost. Who is Laven? What/Who is Erebus?)
Sam Bradford, former Marine and expert at finding the unfindable, is visible to all but seen by none. Living on the fringe of society, Sam continues serving his country as an officer of The Agency and maestro of their 122 Rules of Psychology. Unparalleled in these edicts, he strums the chords of emotion, convincing others to do anything he desires and reveal their most intimate secrets.
(I love this paragraph!)
A master in the dual roles of hunter and suitor, Sam is assigned to track Monica down and seduce her into trusting him. And trust him she does...at least until he mysteriously disappears, further blurring the line between friend and foe.
(Why would his disappearance make her believe he is foe?)
Eluding an assassination attempt by an unknown assailant--Tyron? Laven? Sam? Someone else?--(consider removing the list of names here) Monica decides her safety is her own responsibility and escapes the FBI’s clutches, taking to the road with her snarky best friend of less-than-average (is this pertinent? It almost sounds like a put down) intelligence. The two fumble their way across the country, hoping to reach safety, while those that wish to destroy her froth like (a )bloodhounds at their heels.
Monica’s only goal: bring down those that mean to do her harm…if she lives that long.
I think you have a very interesting premise here, but I kind of felt confused with all the name dropping and extra information. With some tightening, you could really have something here. Everything I've read suggests three names at the most in a query--the protagonist, antagonist, and perhaps one other. I think you could combine several of these paragraphs into three much tighter ones with just a bit of tweaking. Good luck!!
These notes are all kinds of amazing. Thank you!! On to the revisions!
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